nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
