So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
