I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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