Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize