I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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