It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
this beer tastes like vomit already
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
