i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
