Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
