Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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