pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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