that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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