whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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