I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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