Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
