Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
