Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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