we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
