It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
