Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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