got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
