The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
