I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
