Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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