Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
