I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
