Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
