Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
