If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
