hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
