billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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