I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
there is puke in my bra ... again
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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