took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
