Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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