so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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