my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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