you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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