Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
