Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
