last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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