The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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