genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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