I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize