i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
