She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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