Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
