It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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