You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You ruined the universe
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
