Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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