Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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