I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
