I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
