I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
