I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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