I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize