Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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