i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
