just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
