Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
