His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i think i have two assholes
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
