He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
