hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
