Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
