I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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