i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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