My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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