Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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