Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
